Individuals tend to filter the information they receive through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people's lives, or projecting their own holograms onto other people's behavior. When another individual is speaking, an individual most often "listens" at one of four levels:

Empathic listening is listening with intent to understand the other individual's frame of reference and feelings. You must listen with your ears, your eyes and your heart. Empathic listening is a tremendous deposit into the emotional bank account. It's deeply therapeutic and healing because it gives an individual "psychological air." Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival - to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, and to be appreciated.

Empathic listening is risky. It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening experience because you open yourself up to being influenced. You become vulnerable. In order to have influence, you must be influenced.

It can be dangerous to prescribe without an accurate diagnosis. An effective salesperson seeks to understand the needs, concerns and situation of the customer. An amateur sells products, the professional sells solutions. This is a common denominator principle with its greatest power in interpersonal relationships.

These behaviors are controlling and invasive. They may also be logical, and the language of logic is different from the language of sentiment and emotion. An individual will never be able to truly step inside another being and see the world as he sees it until that individual can develop the pure desire, the strength of personal character, and the positive emotional bank account as well as the empathic listening skills to do so.

All the well-meaning advice in the world won't amount to a hill of beans if we're not addressing the real problem. And we'll never get to the real problem if we can't see the world from another point of view. By seeking first to understand, we can turn a transactional opportunity into a transformational opportunity. We can get on the same side of the table looking at the problem instead of staying on opposite sides staring at each other.

Emotional statements require empathic, logical-emotional responses. Children will open up to their parents if they feel their parents will love them unconditionally and will be faithful to them afterwards, never ridiculing them. Sometimes talking isn't necessary to empathize; the words may get in the way. Empathic listening takes time, but not as much time as backing up and correcting misunderstandings, including living with problems and the results of not giving the individual you care about psychological air.

By understanding the other individual, we can learn their paradigms through which they view the world and their needs. Then we can try to resolve our differences to work together.

Knowing how to be understood is as important as seeking to understand in reaching Win/Win solutions, and requires courage. The philosophy of Ethos, Pathos, and Logos gives the sequence for effective communication. Ethos is your personal creditability. Pathos is the empathic side. Logos is the reasoning side. Most individuals go straight to the logical side without first establishing their character and building the relationship. Describe the alternative they favor better than they can themselves. Then explain the logic behind your request. When an individual can present his/her own ideas clearly, specifically, visually and most importantly contextually - in the context of a deep understanding of their paradigms and concerns - it significantly increase the creditability of that individual’s ideas.

The habit of “Seeking First to Understand. . . Then to Be Understood,” is powerful because it focuses on an individual’s circle of influence. It's an inside-out approach. An individual focuses on building his or her understanding. The individual becomes influenceable, which is the key to influencing others. As the individual appreciates other individuals more, they in turn appreciate the individual more.

Opportunities to practice this habit proactively occur every day with individuals you interact with. When we really deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and third alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress. Instead they become the stepping stones to synergy.

credit :: Nehpets Yevoc, Kageboushi Gen ::